The Ladies' Room

Since I promised this would be random, I’m deviating from my plan (to continue talking about Europe) and am broaching this topic. It came in a flash (flush?) of inspiration, so, hey, why not?

I first thought about this when I recalled how my last office at work shared a wall with a brand-new handicap-accessible ladies’ room.

Fully tiled, the room was an echo chamber. I could hear just about everything (fortunately, not EVERYTHING)… The door slamming and locking. The flushing. Most of all, the squeaky toilet paper dispenser.

Co-workers would come into my office and start laughing. Here's the scenario: [noises], [co-worker puts hand over his or her mouth and eyes pop open wide]. “Oh my gosh, that IS loud!” Even the most conservative, “bathroom humor is not funny” types, would at least smile or suppress a laugh.

I had to be careful with conference calls and kept myself on mute as much as possible. However, some of my colleagues on the east coast had heard about the situation and teased me during meetings… “Hey, did I just hear a flush?” or “Sounds like it’s time to replace the toilet paper!”

Now that we’ve covered a microcosm of ladies’ room experiences, let’s move on to the macro.

In terms of the average work restroom, I’ve noticed that women you don’t know either smile, say hello and get to know you over time, or don’t make eye contact, don’t speak to you and remain strangers for the many years you encounter one another on a near daily basis.

They’re polarized in other ways, too. There are those who obsessively pull towels to dab up any water that splashes outside the sink, and those who would never think to do this in a public restroom. The ones that champion the cause of keeping the counter surface spot free give those who don’t dirty looks. In case you’re wondering, yes, I have been the recipient of a dirty look.

Now if you’re a guy, you’re probably thinking, “This is fascinating information, but I want to know why women go to the ladies’ room in pairs.”

Great question and I have some good news.

We’re not talking about you.

Well, sometimes we are. BUT, there are completely separate, compelling reasons for this phenomenon:

1.) Long lines. Most lines for women’s restrooms are long. I have personally stood in a line that lasted more than 30 minutes. Since some of the women are the type who neither make eye contact nor talk (and this percentage is higher in public places where you are a complete unknown), the likelihood of boredom is high. Do the math: line length x average number of daily visits = significant waiting = significant boredom.

2.) Nowhere to put your purse and other possessions. Most restroom stalls were originally outfitted with a hook to hold purses, coats, umbrellas, etc. Over time, the hook falls off or otherwise disappears and is NEVER, EVER replaced. If there’s nowhere to put your stuff, what do you do with it? The floor is rarely an option. Many women spend several minutes trying to figure out this dilemma. Can I shove the purse handle between the door and the frame? What if I put the purse around my neck? Hey, I’ll hand it to my friend! Good thing she’s here! Can I get an “AMEN!” from those of you who have had the entire contents of your purse spill on a public restroom floor? (Is there anyone this has not happened to?)

Similarly, if you’re at a busy place like at a concert or sporting event, the counter will be so wet that you couldn’t think of putting your purse there to wash your hands or touch up your makeup. Of course, there aren’t any uptight ladies who maintain restroom counters at such fun, “let loose” events. They’re home dusting and cleaning ovens. Hand your stuff to your friend!

3.) Poor lighting. Last, and most important, most restrooms have such poor lighting that a majority of women have a mini nervous breakdown when they look in the mirror. Typical inner voice dialog: “Oh my gosh, I look terrible!” “Look at those dark circles.” “When did I age 10 years?” “No amount of makeup is going to fix this!” The trusted friend reassures you that you’re just as awesome as when you came in or, at least, drags you out of there and helps you forget about it.

Now that I’ve addressed the basics and what men want to know about the ladies’ room, I’ll focus on the #1 issue for women: Why the hell are men’s and women’s restrooms the same size when the women’s are 10x busier?

Well, ladies, I don’t have the answer, but I do have something to tell you that will make you very happy. When I was at the Hollywood Bowl recently, the restrooms by the back stage entrance were packed. Very long lines for both men and women. Interestingly, the women’s line moved faster! So much faster that everyone was talking about it. The men were shaking their heads in confusion while the women celebrated like we’d just got the right to vote.

It was monumental, and while I think there must have been some practical reason for this anomaly in the space/time continuum, it gave me hope that we, as a people, could conquer other seemingly unanswerable things… conflict in the Middle East, global warming… maybe even the proliferation of reality TV.